The science that trumps new lace panties
The advice from women’s magazines around libido is often around more more more ... Top 10 sexy toys, buy this lingerie set, flavoured lube, try this dirty talk. The collective advice around “dry spells” or disinterest is to DO a thing. (And no shade on doing things – all of those things can be super fun.)
However, the truth underneath all of the selling and buying is that there is no product, position, or set of lingerie that will magically change your sexual self. Boo. I know. But there is magic and possibility in knowledge. Stay with me here.
The sexy science I want to share with you in this article is the theoretical model of sexual response developed in the 1990s. The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response. Dual means two. So the clue is in the name, there are multiple things that happen when we respond sexually (or don’t). This was groundbreaking at the time when desire was looked at as a one-way thing. A moving towards. A “drive”.
In the 90s two intrepid researchers identified that our sexual response system is made of TWO mechanisms in the central nervous system: a Sexual Excitation System (SES) and a Sexual Inhibition System (SIS).
SES is the “green light” or accelerator of your sexual responsiveness – it notices sexually relevant information in your environment – sights, sounds, smells, tastes, sensations, and thoughts, and sends a signal to your genitals that says, “let’s go baby, turn on.”
SIS is the sexual “red light” or brakes. Its job is to notice threats and send a “turn off, nope, not now” signal to your genitals. Threats include immediate things like kids walking into the room or being called a slut or getting pregnant, but also longer-term psychological and social consequences, like relationship issues, worry about social reputation, body image difficulties, and performance anxiety.
If we go back to my example about common advice in the media we can now identify that these are ideas around activating the Excitation System a.k.a adding triggers into the green light or gas pedal area. What we don’t talk about enough/at all/most of us do not even know about is how to work with the Inhibition System … in other words how to get that red light to change to orange or how to remove the brakes. Interestingly science shows us that the more effective way to move towards turn on/wanting/desire is to remove the brakes or red lights, rather than add to the green light or gas pedal.
Your green lights and red lights will be personal to you. You might be turned on by the smell of Giorgio Armani, or the sight of veins over muscles on a forearm, or a salsa song and turned off by feeling rushed or being seen or direct eye contact or long nails. You may be turned on by urgency or other people walking in or eye gazing and turned off by Latin music. That’s your vibe!
Humans also vary in how sensitive their green and red lights are. So your particular system may be VERY skilled at noticing all the reasons NOT to have sex (i.e. a sensitive inhibition system) and not very aware of sexually relevant cues. Or your system might be very easily aroused and ready to engage without a red light in sight ( i.e a sensitive excitation system and low inhibition). Or you are somewhere in the middle. All of those things = normal. All of those things = sexual functioning information.
So we now know we can gather data about ourselves (and maybe our partner(s) like…
What activates the green light/turns me on?
How sensitive is my green light system/how much does my system notice reasons to have sex?
What activates the red light/turns me off?
How sensitive is my red light system/how much does my system notice reasons to turn away from sex?
Decreasing the reasons NOT to have sex and increasing the things that feel hot and sexy in your environment = creating the context for more turn on.
A great exercise to do here is to daydream about your most fun and juicy sexual experiences and write them down in detail and then notice what is present (what made it hot, what activated the green light) and what is not present. Journaling spice anyone?
Or start thinking through the actual times when you said no/didn’t feel the vibe/pulled away from your partner and gather data … what was going on that did not feel sexy, what hit your red light buttons.
Think/remember/daydream.
Write some stuff down – this is hot for me, this is not.
Have a conversation with your honey.
Remove some red lights.
Add some green lights.
See what emerges!
P.S. In the work that I do with women a lot of what can be keeping the brakes/red light on is their relationship to self and sexuality. Inner criticism, body shame, anxiety, people-pleasing, and performing are all inner brakes. And often those take time to identify and unravel. I know this is not easy. It's easier to buy a pair of furry handcuffs :). However, in my experience after years of working with women around desire and sexuality, re-setting your own relationship with your body and your pleasure is what transforms our intimate experiences! It may take time and energy but the potential is rock solid confidence, and unlimited full-body pleasure at the end of the rainbow! Can I get a hell yeah?!
This article was written for Anonymiss - you can check them out here The s*xy science that trumps new lace panties