This is not a libido problem

It's a Wednesday night. Your libido is not playing along. Your partner wants it but you'd rather hide and watch a Netflix show — alone. One of our favourite love, s*x and relationship coaches weighs in on what might be happening.

Sweet humans reading this — I want to serve you some truths about libido!

Who am I to do so? My name is Maude. I am a trained love, s*x and relationship coach, and I currently work as an integrative burnout coach for women. I love to include how we feel (or don't feel) about intimacy as part of our experience of life. 

Why am I writing this article about female sexual desire (or the lack thereof)?

Because I see women feel like they are "the problem", that they are broken, and I wanted to normalise all the other factors going on in this complex piece of life. So much yay for Anonymiss and other spaces where female sexuality is explored and honoured. 

Because feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and resentful in life affects our desire levels, and because feeling anxious and stressed out by s*x affects everything else. We are WHOLE humans.

Because what we see on screen is performative and often through a male gaze. I want to remind you that bodies need time, space and safety to feel turned on; and that what you see in movies or read in books is fantasy. 

Because many of us received little to no/ very outdated/ fear and danger-based s*x education focused on reproduction vs pleasure. I want you to know that there is also actual data and science about having fun.

Because traditional medical and talk therapy professionals don't get a lot of quality training around this topic and often just deal with diagnosing individual "problems" without looking at the whole human, environment, and life. I want you to know that there are places and spaces where you can share what is going on for you and get supported! You are not alone. You are not weird.

Because we tend to separate our s*xuality from everything else — our stress levels, cultural and family stories, emotional expression, and physical health, and expect it to "just work" aka look and feel like a Hollywood movie/ a romance novel/ Cosmo article.

Because I want us all to build relationships with our bodies that feel good to us. I want us all to give ourselves permission to take time to explore and get curious about who we are sexually now (not who we think we should be, or who we were 10 years ago). I want us all to feel worthy of receiving pleasure and attention. I want us to be able to advocate for what we like. I want you to KNOW that there is community, science, tools, skills and space for you to do that!

Can I get a FUCK YES? Ok, here goes…

#1 on the "this is not a libido problem list" is … how you FEEL in your relationship

If you are angry/ resentful/ frustrated/ tense towards your partner, if you are squabbling all the time,  if you have unresolved conflict and hurts from the past that you are carrying and replaying in your head and heart that will show up in your body… 

This is not a libido problem — this is a relationship challenge.

Desire is not separate from relationships. We can't squash down all other feelings at 9pm when the lights go out and a candle is lit.

The solution?

Get honest about the state of your relationship; get some support in processing your emotions; learn different communication skills and build a partnership that feels supportive and fun.

Next challenge? #2 is LIFE in 2024. Newsflash … overworking and feeling stressed AF is not conducive to feeling like a sensual goddess

When we are in high-stress mode with pumping adrenaline and cortisol, and our nervous system interprets danger, danger, danger, our body prioritises survival e.g. beating heart; increase in temperature and blood flow and it REDUCES hormones for non-essential functions like feeling frisky.

In times of threat, humans should not focus on procreation (body logic says).

Not feeling "in the mood" makes sense when you are spending your waking hours dealing with work, bills, traffic, conflict in the family, cultural norms and expectations, experiences of discrimination; and then less tangible, internal stressors like self-criticism and body image.

Most of us are walking around stewing in adrenaline and cortisol … which is messing with our menstrual cycles; decreasing our interest in s*x and increasing tension, pain, and discomfort in our bodies. This is NOT a "libido problem" it is a "stress management in modern life” problem.

The solution?

1. Identify your external stressors and delegate/ cancel/ change what you can.

2. Identify your internal stressors (i.e. the things your brain tells you that stresses you out) and work to change those.

3. Make time to regularly use up your stress hormones by exercising/ hugging/ being creative/ meditating/ laughing/ being in nature/ all of the above.

Easy to say, more challenging to implement — I know. This is where all the work around boundaries/ clarity/ time protection/ people pleasing/ perfectionism/ procrastination etc. comes in!

#3 You may just experience a different TYPE of desire...

Recent research shows that humans can experience spontaneous desire (spontaneous, out-of-the-blue desire for s*x, followed by physical changes in the body). This is Hollywood-style desire and applies to about 75% of men and 15% of women. Read that again. 15% of women.

There are OTHER ways of experiencing desires, namely responsive and contextual. This is when humans respond to something they perceive as hot happening to them, or an erotic context (note, what this is might be different for everyone) and slowly move into wanting more of that thing i.e. from body to brain. These humans need more than a thought to feel desire.

THIS IS NOT A LIBIDO PROBLEM THIS IS JUST A DIFFERENT WAY OF EXPERIENCING DESIRE.

Solution?

Do some research around desire types; find out what you lean towards and work with it e.g. let your honey know that you may need some time to transition into desire; identify what your hot contexts are and actively create them and most importantly, stop beating yourself up or comparing yourself to what you see on screen.

#4 SHAME

Be thinner; be curvier; be hairless; be sweet smelling at all times; be chaste and modest; be seductive — but only with your partner, with the lights out, indoors after 9pm; be young; be *rgasmic within 10 minutes; be ready for your man at all times — but not provocative to any other men.

Cross your legs; don't take up too much space with your body; hide your bleeding; don't be messy; don't show too much flesh — but don't be an uptight prude. Can't you take a joke?

Women, feeling shame and embarrassment, criticism and pressure about your bodies in and out of the bedroom is totally normal in our current socio-cultural framework.

Wondering about how we look, how we are "performing", how long things are taking, and whether our partner is enjoying things, takes us right out of an intimate experience and into our critical brains.

Not feeling desire because we feel self-conscious, ashamed and pressured to look, smell, feel and act certain ways is not a "libido problem".

These challenges (and therefore also the solutions) are around body neutrality, self-confidence, s*xual education, mindfulness, and communication with yourself and your partner. 

There are so many more pieces to our experience of desire, the role of medication like anti-depressants, how hot our actual sex is right now (or not), what season our body is in, what level of trauma we carry … and that is kind of the point!

Desire does not exist in isolation. So if you want to think and feel and behave differently in your sexual self (and NO pressure to do so) I invite you to expand your view. To consider the context in which your sexy, alive self exists.

Please KNOW that there are practices, approaches, support and perspectives that are available to you. 

Sending love from me to you. X Maude

This article was written for Anonymiss - you can check them out here This is not a libido problem.