Priorities and managing stress
In this episode of Work Family Me, I speak with a former colleague who has moved across and lived in many countries with her husband, children and dog and works long days as a regional manager for a busy team. In this conversation she shares some of her experience around balancing work and life and health. We talk about prioritising. delegating, (over)working, saying no and so much more. Listen to hear…
A tool for prioritisation when your brain is swirling
What led Csilla to shift patterns of overwork
A breakdown of boundary setting and an exercise Csilla used to practice saying no
The part of “stress management” we often forget
Prefer to listen? Find the podcast here A conversation about priorities and managing stress.
Csilla is a Hungarian born woman and beautiful soul that is living in the Netherlands with her partner, with her children that are a little bit older, her daughter's out the house already. She's got a big job. She's managing a team. She works long days. She has high pressure. And in this conversation, we talk about what happened to trigger her towards change and introduction of different habits and different behaviors around work and balancing that a little bit more. She talks about some things to think about and maybe that change in the financial aspect as we get older or as we are planning ahead and looking at maybe different phases of our lives. And she also shares a super fun exercise that helped her set boundaries.
So I think you're going to have a lot of fun listening to this one and you're going to get a lot of value from it. Let's dive in.
Hi lovelies, this is Maude, Women's Burnout and Leadership Coach. You're listening to the Work Family Me podcast. A series of conversations with women from different cultures and industries around the world about the behind the scenes of earning money, parenting, being in relationship, and adulting all at the same time.
Here, we will discuss the challenges, ideas, and support structures that show up in co earning dual parenting situations and talk through some helpful strategies and mindsets. Why? So that you as a busy working woman can learn from others, implement what could make your life a little bit easier, and share these with your family, friends, and colleagues.
We are at the forefront of working, parenting, and relating in a totally different way to previous generations. And there can be so much [00:02:00] value in validating this and learning with each other. I'm so happy that you're here. Let's dive into the conversation for today.
I'm excited to speak with you. You are in the Netherlands. I'm in Cape Town. We're in opposite seasons and I'd love for you to maybe introduce yourself and what your work is and what your job is and what your family situation is.
Yes. So thanks for having me. It's a pleasure to be here. My name is Csilla. I currently live in the Netherlands. I am a operational office manager, working with a group of, team members and obviously management. And, I am a married person with two kids. And a dog. Don't forget the dog. The dog is one of the most important family members.
Okay. Good to know. Good to know. So you're holding a team culture, other human beings who are doing work, you're in that position where you've got senior leadership above you, people leading things below you, training, you are married, so in relationship there, you have children who have varied needs of you and a dog, who wants the love and attention. Talk us through how you manage to hold all of these things at the same time.
Okay. So, being a busy busy woman, I think, uh, the hardest part is managing it all. And what I have learned through the years is I had to learn what is important to me on what is important in order to manage it all together.
Initially, you know, we went through our honeymoon phases, you know, we got married, everyone want to show off that I can do this and you can do that. While, uh, you know, during the years as the kids were coming or now growing up, it's not necessary that you do always want to please the other, but you always want to do something that's, that can fit into your daily schedule.
So I had to learn that I cannot always do everything at the same time, as much as I'd like to, for example, but I had to give up things and then focus on the things that I can do. And I, I think it's important for me. Um, you know, just to give you a couple of examples, like, you know, will, will the house burn down if I don't dust the furniture today, but perhaps over the weekend?
No, not necessarily. Right. So I had to learn to give up things. As simple as it is, uh, of a dusting of a furniture, but just because it does not fit into the 24 hours that we have, uh, during the day. So work certainly takes a huge amount of time, uh, off of my schedule. It is more than eight hours. But obviously having the children and having the work schedule, the school schedule, it does give some kind of a structure that, that can help me to get through the day. And again, we just have to decide. Or myself have to decide what is the important task that I'll do.
I love this calling into the validation, the acceptance that I can't do everything all the time. And so there's a pause here for me to think about what really matters to me, and then there's a letting go of the things that can wait, which can be so edgy for a lot of us, right? Because I think especially when we start getting anxious or overwhelmed, everything almost has the same importance, right?
This, posting this letter, writing this card, you know, having this conversation, doing this thing, dusting the furniture, is all equally as important, and I almost can't even sift through it anymore.
What helped you, um, decide what to let go of? Was that a conversation with you and your partner? Was that just you and your mind saying, you know what?
I'm jumping in for a little pause here because this is something that I see happen again and again in my one on one coaching practice, in my leadership training, when we start feeling overwhelmed, and everything feels like it's the same amount of important, right? Our nervous system Disregulated, and we can't see anymore.
We can't distinguish between what's a priority, what's important, what's urgent, what requires me, and what's just another thing to do or another email to answer, right? What's busy work in another way of speaking and here, getting it out of your head. Is a really important tool. So how can you get it out of your brain that's holding all of these different things at the same time and judging them as equally important so that you can look at them in a different way and start prioritizing. So you can do that by grabbing a piece of paper and a pen and just writing it all down. You can do that by. by talking to your coach or your therapist or your partner and kind of getting everything that you're thinking about out of your head.
This can also be a really helpful tool to do before either you leave the office or before you go to bed at night. If you're somebody who starts having kind of whirling thoughts or a little bit of anxiety or some overthinking going on of, Oh my gosh, there's so many things to do and I can't even see any more where I need to move forward.
“Brain dumping” is something that I often talk about with clients getting it all out because we tend to see it all as the same amount of importance when it's just holding real estate in our brain and getting it out and being able to then look at it and see, aha
Where is the timing? What are the deliverables?
What actually really matters here? What feels aligned to my values? What is deep work that needs to get done where other things are dependent on it? What can I leave? What can I delegate?
You can start sorting through that kind of information once you know what you're talking about. So, um, so useful both in a work context and in a kind of managing home admin context.
When you're thinking about Birthday cards or extra murals or what to make for dinner or laundry or whatever it is, just as it is helpful when you start thinking about projects and timeline and clients and onboarding and training and all of those needs. So brain dump is a tool that I'd recommend to you.
And once you've got it all out, you can start looking at it and prioritizing and then moving into action around that.
I think it's not just one thing or the other. It's obviously a combination of things. Um, there were a couple of things we have to discuss, uh, you know, who is doing what in assembly, uh, all the throughout the years.
It's also came along that things, Um, maybe, um, some things were more important for me or more important for my husband and easily [00:09:00] and, and kindly took on those tasks. Uh, it's not necessary that we had to point out, uh, that, you know, as of today you do the dishes. Um, no, because, uh, it turns out that, you know, actually my husband likes, and it's, it's relaxing for him to do the dishes or do the cooking.
And we just pause, yeah, and say, is your husband for rent? Is he available to be hired out? We've all got dishes.
And just a moment here to also, it sounds like as you go through time and different phases within the family, also noticing what's important to different partners and be open to, okay, well, if it's really important to me, to do things like that, then maybe I have to take responsibility for that. And if it's really important for you to do it like that, then maybe that's your job.
Yes, absolutely. So, um, again, it's not [00:10:00] necessary that you have to sit down and discuss, in my opinion. Uh, some of these were just coming and just kind of formulated into our daily word that, Oh my God, thank God you are there and, and doing those dishes because I just really don't have time for it.
So, um, I think, you know, overall, uh, there are certain things that just build into your daily life. Um, and it's not necessary that it was agreed upon or discussed, but just simply built into your daily work. And that is just a smooth sail because this is what you have been doing throughout the years.
When the kids were small, obviously everyone's hands were full. It was, you know, really no time to anything. But as they, you know, go through the baby phases and the toddler phases or the teenager phases, you know, they, they all bring different, uh, little problems and issues and things to solve, um, on a daily basis.
And I think just getting through, and, and these also, you know, requiring different [00:11:00] level of attention. It's not necessarily, you know, with a baby you're always there, but with a teenager, oh my god, you know, they close the door and then goodbye. You are very happy when they show up for dinner. Um, it's not always, uh, things that we plan or, uh, necessarily want to do.
So I think that's when life comes into play and then the things around you just evolves in certain ways.
Yeah. So it sounds like a nod to also being flexible and not the same schedule working from when you have babies to when you have toddlers to when you have teenagers to when you have children who are a little bit more adult and, and you and your partner being flexible enough to say, okay, well now I'm picking this up. Now I'm picking that up. I think we've known each other for more than 10 years and you've been working throughout that with children, right?
Yeah.
And what generational pattern would you say that you grew up with? Did your parents both work? And your husband? What was common in the time you're both Hungarian, right?
Uh, yes, we do. While we do have a Hungarian background, both the, the parents were from the old Yugoslavia, so they, they also brought a bit of different, although certain time in history, uh, the, the area they are from is, was also part of, uh, from, uh, of Hungary. So we do definitely have the same background, but, um, growing up, because he grew up in certain different countries, uh, even as a child, uh, I think that all made the difference.
Also, one of the differences is that he's an only child, I'm from a large family, family of five kids, I'm number four, so also my parents were in an older generation once I came along the way. Um, so that definitely, um, makes a difference of coming from a large family or coming from a single child family.
Um, I can see that both of our [00:13:00] parents, uh, were very strict. So we're talking about, you know, um, parents being born in 1930, 1940s. So all the, all the generations, um, and very strict. Uh, for example, my husband, you know, used to use formal way of communication with the parents while he Ours was informal. So again, but I, I think it's also, yeah, just depends on where they are coming from, what they brought, um, when they were child.
And did the women work in those relationships or was it the more traditional men work, women stayed home or tell me more, because I think in communism and socialism and kind of history of that, the working culture for everybody was very different to maybe what the Western world experience was?
So both parents, both mothers were working, so they were all working mothers, um, the children, so I'm the only one that's working with us, but they were all working mothers, and I also see, and maybe that's what, um, how she [00:14:00] also through my day that obviously seeing my mom, although I didn't, have older siblings.
Uh, my mom obviously also had to juggle things through the day, um, with work and after work. And to be honest with you, there were certain parts of my childhood that I didn't like. For example, summer vacation, everyone is out, at the beach, except me, who actually has to cook for the family.
Because my mom needed the help, um, during those working days. So I think definitely how we grew up and what our parents brought into our families and, and what we have learned from them makes, makes a huge difference in your, in your day and in your own family life.
So it sounds like working mothers was familiar to both of you from kind of a cultural and generational imprint. What about fathers doing domestic work? How did you see that in your house?
Um, in, in my family, in my own immediate family, yes, definitely there is one, even, you know, my son has to work, so [00:15:00] there's no way kids do chores at the family, uh, in our family as well. Traditionally, though, I would say that my father, for example, didn't do much of a chore, um, at home. Um, you know, he always left very early in the morning, came home very late at, uh, in the evening, um, because that was his work schedule. Um, by the end of the day, you know, he was tired. He just wanted to eat and maybe just chill out in front of the TV, but it's unnecessary to part of, you know, doing the laundry or cleaning the house.
So that, that was a huge difference. And to be honest with you, um, if I have to think of my husband's side, I don't, I don't Uh, I think it just happened just exactly the very same way. Um, the traditional, because back then, obviously, as you say, back then, uh, fathers were the, the bread makers. You know, they, they were the ones who were handling the, the main, uh, job, although mothers may have been working, but it wasn't, um, the main, uh, resource of the family.
Something fathers used to carry on a bit [00:16:00] more in terms of work. I'm not saying they are not doing now because obviously they also do. Uh, they do have their jobs today, but it was, it was a different culture. And I think it was, it's not necessarily that they have done more or less, but, um, the time and the generational difference back then is definitely made, um, a different way of living.
And so would you say that's different in your generation? So the relationship that you have with your partner, would you say there's more involvement on a domestic level and a shift there? If you're saying, look, I'm. I'm almost the bridge between, you know, my son is vacuuming, he has chores, he's involved in household management. Does he see that modeled in his own house?
I think we both…there's a saying that you, you don't necessarily want to carry on what you have seen or brought from home. And I think both of us have learned that we'd like something different. How our, um, how we had our childhood or what we had to do during our, our childhood. Um, you know, it's sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not, uh, because I have to do so much. When I was a child, I do relieve my kids from, um, so if I, if I can, then I'll take the chore from them. But I just want to release them from doing something just because I know I hated it.
Oh, that's so sweet. Almost like your trauma of like little Csilla cooking in the kitchen instead of going to the beach. You're like, no, no, it's cool. I've got it. You guys go to the beach. It's a different experience.
Exactly. So, um, you know, it's, It grows on you. It's, uh, whether you like it or not, it's part of your life. That's how you grow up. But at the end of the day, uh, you learn from it and what you take it on into your own relationship. That's, that's the point.
It sounds like you and your partner have consciously said, we're going to do family differently. We don't want to do [00:18:00] that in the same way that our parents did it.
You know, that was great for them. And we want to do that differently. We want to have a different kind of relationship. It's not working.
You talked about breadwinning, and you talked about kind of financial implications of, well, whose job has, earns more money, and how do we weight that, which is such a, an interesting topic, right?
Where is there more time, where is there more money? So many conflicts or discussions come in couples around that. How would you say that you do finances within your family? Does it all go into one pot? Do you keep it separately? Can you buy whatever you want? Like, talk us through that little can of worms.
Yeah, I mean, this is one of them. To be honest with you, it's for us, started out in a world that can, um, as you know, we moved around. We lived in many countries. And one of the starting point was us living in the U. S. And my husband at that time knew the U. S. system. To me, you know, it was everything brand new.
That's the first time I'm living abroad. I had [00:19:00] nothing, uh, of an awareness of how to live in a foreign country. Um, now, uh, him knowing the system, though, it was from day one almost like that he took on the financial. Uh, just because he knew that system. And now later on moving to another country, uh, it was just sort of like the only thing, uh, that, you know, we do call him Mr. CFO, and I've always agreed with the methods. Financials, but, um, I would also say that finance has been one, one item that sort of like, you know, that's how it started and always carried on that way that he's the one who does the financial, not to say that we don't discuss financials, obviously, moving across countries.
Um, having the financials and actually now getting old and thinking about your retirement is obviously then big, big questions are coming up, how we are going to manage a retirement, uh, in the upcoming years, just because you're living, moving along, uh, different places. Um, it's not necessarily your first thought, um, Oh my God, let me put some money aside because I'm actually not gaining retirement in any country and we don't necessarily going to have reliable if ever there is any such, uh, governmental support of, uh, of issuing the retirement from any location. So we do have great level of discussions about how we are going to manage our future. And it's not necessarily our, um, daily work, but again, how we are going to manage it just because we are not going to have any support in the future.
So it sounds like right now, all your money goes into a pot. A bank account from both sides and your husband kind of manages the money and that sounds like a hangover from a time where that made sense. And now maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, but it's kind of stayed with you. So an invitation to anyone [00:21:00] listening to take a pause point and see does the way we manage money still make sense?
And also, I think a really good invitation here to think about long term future, right? Like, so there's managing our money right now, right? And there's also thinking about what might be next. Are we making financial decisions? Um, I saw some interesting stats the other day about women actually being very good investors, um, but tending not to do that because of kind of fear around investing.
So I think that's true. I think it's absolutely true. Um, I might find, you know, just going through internet search. I might find, um, that I think it's a good possibility or maybe a, a good. I'm not necessarily willing to, um, any sort perhaps investment because I'm a more secure way of, yes, putting that aside in a way that I can and not necessarily relying on someone else doing that for me.
Yeah. Yeah, makes so much sense. Also, just if we think about like [00:22:00] women have only had their own money for the last 70 or 80 years, right? So we're not, we've got it. We need to hold on to it. I can't put it in something I can't see.
Yeah, you just have to learn your ways, um, here as well. I think, you know, as initially, uh, being freshly married. And not having anything versus now, obviously you do work towards to in a goal. Um, when, when a time comes and how do you live your life, um, it's, it's different on, only does have its challenges, but, but as you get older and you learn your ways and you learn your methods of, of managing things.
And, you know, you being younger could be more important to buy that pair of jeans right now. You can save that money that, that pair of jeans, I mean, not necessarily as important as it was before. So. The priorities are, are changing along the way, [00:23:00] um, and I'm also trying to teach my children as well that, you know, my son, we joke about it. I think when he gets a teeny tiny pocket money, it burns his pocket and it has to be spent. Like my daughter, um, whatever money she gets, she puts everything already into savings. And again, two children from the same parents and completely different ways of handling down financials, even though it'd be the same, um, example in front of them. Mm. Mm.
So if you would want to splurge, if you would want to buy something really nice for yourself, how would you feel just like swiping that credit card or debit card?
I don't, and I don't like it. Because I was already thinking behind, uh, behind it, okay, is this looking out of the monthly budget? Or is it coming out from the savings, for example, you know, obviously, there are certain things that I do for myself, not to say, [00:24:00] well, I don't, but definitely gives me a pause of a thought of, of, is it really necessary for me and this moment in my life, or am I okay, actually, to live without it? Um, I do, I do certain things for myself, you know, um, and actually that those, some of those things are coming out on in, um, Um, in a way of me trying to step away from work, um, not to spend the crazy hours at work.
Um, I have, for example, um, a monthly movie pass or, uh, you know, just a gym membership or I learned to bake bread. Just these are all in the sense of, of me stepping away from, um, the desk, from the computer. Uh, and of course, it's not always working. So not to say that these are always, extremely, extremely successful.
But I had to learn to force myself to do things for myself and it's, maybe it's also, you know, a part of the personality, but I'm just simply not a selfish person always. My nature is giving and, uh, helping others. So, um, I have never been by the most important thing in my life. Now, some may think it's good, while some may think it's not good, um, but obviously this is the thing that brought me, uh, to my life.
So it's interesting, um, one of the, one of the feelings that women that I work with one on one struggle with, um, is this feeling of, I think you called it selfish or guilt around, if I take time to do things that I enjoy or that keep me healthy or that keep me well, that feels like it's directly taking time away from others. It's directly taking away from my service in the world. And. And the flip side of that being when I am exhausted and anxious [00:26:00] and at the end of my tether and shouting at people because I've reached the end, I'm, I'm not showing up in the way that I want to show up and almost seeing, well, if I take time for myself to go to the gym or to watch a movie or to bake bread, I actually am a better boss or a better team leader or a better mother, right?
And like maybe that is also in service to others and that can often be a perspective shift.
What helped you create that time or start moving towards doing things that are enjoyable to you versus your maybe tendency to work or maybe even overwork, dare I say?
Um, and yes, the fact that I would consider myself overworked, and I'm not to say, I don't think it's necessarily being maybe workaholic.
It's just, it was just always the way of being busy, busy, busy, um, and the helping and taking things on [00:27:00] yourself instead of pressing it down to others. And it just obviously gradually just built on and, and, um, kind of, uh, Had the mainten, um, activities behind you. Um, and I, I think it was, it had to be, um, and I, I don't necessarily give us a breaking point, but it ought to be something like a breaking point that okay, this is enough now because right now you also point of scared that perhaps people are taking advantage of it.
Um, that you are always willing to help and you are always willing to put your time and effort into it. And I have to pause.
What was, was there an instant, or was there a moment, or was there a series of events that led you to say, you know what, this needs to change. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to just give, give, give anymore. Because I feel like so many women are in this pattern of, I'll just do a little bit more, whether that's at work, or for family, or extended family members, or people calling them randomly saying, hey, can you, [00:28:00] and they just, yes, yes, yes. What was that point?
If I remember correctly, and I think it was the other time we worked together, um, one time, um, someone was giving me just to work with an extra group of people, um, and, and that's when I had to realize that, oh, my God, I do feel that I'm actually already doing two jobs at the same time. Now you wanna give me a third one? Um, and I simply cannot do this.
And it it come to a point that, um, I actually, uh, um, there was like actually like a good, uh, a great level of anxiousness on the anxiety, uh, to a level that I, I myself had to realize that, okay, either I'm having a heart attack or something. So it was, you know, very, very extreme and pushed to the point that, um. I had to realize that this is just not good. It gives me anxiety. I can simply no longer do this. Uh, I, I have stretched, uh, too many ways and it just, this is the end. This is, I cannot do this. And, um, I did went to the doctor, obviously, everything was fine, thankfully, nothing was wrong.
Uh, but back then, um, I, uh, I had a friend who was also, um, doing some coaching and he told me that go ahead and stand in, stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself no, because telling yourself no is the hardest thing. Once you have learned how you say no to yourself, then it's going to be easier to, to, to, to place that into other, um, ways and other people and telling them no, just because, not necessarily because you're selfish, but it's, it's, uh, you always have to, you, you have to start thinking about yourself and then, um, Do try.
It's really hard to say no to the mirror to yourself. It was just an eye opening, uh, exercise to me. And so I did, um, and then I just had to learn to say no, um, to things. So, um, we all, we are all different, right? Some people handle, um, things differently or putting themselves into different ways, uh, of managing things or Um, but for me, this, this was the one thing that worked, uh, reaching the point of an anxiety and over being overworked and just learning to say, well.
So two things here, like there was almost a physical consequence, right? You were at the point where I'm handling two separate roles at work. I have two children at home. I have a dog, a house, all of these things to manage. And now you're asking me to do even more because you're used to me saying yes, and you're just expecting more and more.
And why should you hire more people if I just carry on doing more jobs? My body is reacting in, I'm feeling palpitations. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling my heart beating. I think I'm going to have a heart attack, right? What we may be called panic attacks or like really high anxiety. And that was the sign for you to say, okay something’s got to change.
How do I say no? And I love this calling into practice, right? Cause it's not easy the first time.
And actually I would argue with that personal a little bit because I find women find it really easy to say no to themselves. And. So no, you can't rest now. No, you can't have that. No, you can't do that. No, you can't have support. No, you should carry on. And really hard to say no to other people.
For me, yes, saying no to the kids, for example, have been difficult, uh, and saying myself no was, uh, was even more difficult, but yeah, that's exactly right, exactly right. So,it had to be a breaking point. It had to be. A change of, of method of handling things, uh, in order to kind of survive and be who I am today. Uh, I still have to, um, work on this. Um, it's still, um, for me, and you know, part of it is that sometimes it's just so easier to do it yourself than just delegate to someone just because it does take time to delegate and using the same time you can just easily do it. But then you are never giving it to someone else.
Ah, there are two pieces I want to stop and pick up to highlight here, because I think so many of you busy overworking listeners out there might be able to relate to that moment of really feeling the stress and anxiety in your body.
And seeing [00:33:00] that as finally that kind of moment of I've got to do something, I've got to change. And we often talk about stress or burnout in terms of our brains, our minds, our emotion. But what I see over and over again is how that's actually reflected in our physical self. In the women that come to me that are Unable to sleep, or they're suffering from headaches, or they've got really tight jaw or shoulder tension that's causing them pain and discomfort, or they're having irregular menstrual cycles, or something's going on in their body where they're having kind of viral infections, or they're having lower back pain, because the stress and the tension that they're holding has actually got into them on a somatic level.
That's why it can be so helpful to include the body in whatever healing or coaching or therapy you're doing to manage your stress, to remember that the body is the place that we're storing that, and that also takes on the tension, the [00:34:00] tightness, the contraction that affects our experience of life in this body.
So when you're thinking about dealing with stress. I think we often think about, you know, the cognitive part of that or, um, helping ourselves with our mind or managing our mind or our thoughts, or what can we do differently? What mindset can we have, but also just including the body in that, how can I move my body?
How can I breathe? How can I soften my muscles? What practices can I do? What support can I get for my body? And noticing that as a place that may be calling out to you as, Oh, there's a little bit of attention here. There needs to be some change when you start having, you know, tonsillitis month after month, or you start not sleeping.
And it's not just the one night it's happening over and over again. There's a sign here that the body saying this is not working for me. Something needs to change. So just really including your body in your awareness of where you are in terms of your. Mental and emotional health.
The other [00:35:00] thing that I love to talk about here and in general, for those of you who know me, for those of you who've worked with me is seeing boundaries, um, as a practice, seeing change as a practice, as a thing that is maybe different to the behavior that you've had for decades or years.
Before you are now at this point and you're wanting to create change. So here Csilla is talking about an exercise where she's practicing saying no out loud. She's practicing how it feels to use that language. She's looking at herself in the mirror and she's saying no. No, no, over and over again, so that she's building her own capacity and tolerance to say that then out loud to somebody else, or to say that in a context, or to say that in a situation.
I really struggle with these kind of pop psychology articles or TikTok videos where it's like, Oh, just say no, or just set boundaries as if it's something easy to do. It's really effing [00:36:00] hard to set boundaries, especially when we've had patterns of. Wanting to show up, wanting to please, wanting to make it nice for everybody else, wanting to serve. And there's nothing wrong with those things, right? They just sometimes get to the point where it's unhealthy for us. It's not possible for us anymore. We don't have that capacity. So now we need to build a different muscle. We need to build the muscle of discernment or preference of time and energy management.
And so saying no is not something that happens overnight. It's not something that feels particularly pleasant the first time that you do it, if you're not used to doing it. And so I love this exercise and invitation to think of boundaries and saying no as a practice. And I love to support my clients through that with that kind of three step exercise around boundaries of
Number one, it's identifying them.
Number two, it's practicing saying them out loud.
Number three, it's sitting in the discomfort of [00:37:00] the other person's reaction or the 3d reality of the world around you. After you've said your no, or after you've said your boundary. So saying no as a practice and seeing that as a muscle you're growing or a skill you're building can be so helpful.
If you're somebody who has tended towards, um, What we call people pleasing or tending towards service and at the cost of yourself, your energy, your body, your health. So. Two things to think about for ourselves, incorporating our body and seeing no or setting boundaries as a practice and something that we can learn.
To me, the double edged sword that I feel like all of the women that I work with are struggling with is because they are so capable, because they are so efficient, because they aren't so good at things, it's so quick for them to do it. And then we're like, Oh, well, I'll just do it. I'll just do it. I'll just do it.
And actually the middle, the long game in terms of. Let me train somebody, let me delegate, let me [00:38:00] check their work. Takes longer now, but allows me to kind of free that up in the future. And it's so hard to see that when we're in the busy. So, um, I love that you're also saying this is ongoing, saying no is a practice.
I'm still getting better. I'm still practicing.Would you say that you do now differently? After that breaking point, what do you do to keep yourself healthy and well? What new boundaries do you have? What's different now?
I definitely learned how to delegate. Um, so I no longer take tasks on my own. Just because, oh my God, that other person is also busy, let me save them from that burden and let me do this. So I simply know that there is no longer a way for me to keep things on myself. I pass and delegate everything to everyone, whatever I can. So then that has been a huge help. And, um, [00:39:00] still to date, again, it's not easy, I had to learn that, uh, for me doing other's job is just not going to take me anywhere.
The other thing, um, is, uh, yeah, just continue to do it in a way that it fits your schedule. Um, And then kind of think about it in a way as well that while you may think it's selfish for going to the gym after hours, it is not because at the end of the day, this is for your own health and this is for your own good.
And you do need to go and, and, and exercise because, uh, sitting, you know, eight, nine, 10 hours a day at the desk, it is just not good for your health. So, I think everyone has to realize, and you know, there are so many, um, supporting, um, books, uh, videos out there. I think everyone, it's only going to work in a [00:40:00] way. That you know that you make the change. So it's, there are so many examples that people can tell you how to do it, but as, as long as you are not doing it, no one's gonna help you with that. You have to make the change.
his is like twofold. Like number one, in a way, what I'm hearing is like, it benefits the system for you to overwork, right? This is what I often talk to clients about. It's like, The more you work, the better for the boss, the better for the people making money off you. Right? Like they're never going to say, Oh, do you know what? Why don't you chill? Why don't you stop working at five?
And number two, what I'm hearing you say is like, we know that exercise, that resting time, that creative time, that time with family is good for us. Right? You know, the scientific research, you know, the data you've listened to the podcast, you break the box, you know it in your mind. And what you're saying is like, you can know it all you want, but it's actually you have to go and do it, you have to go and create the change and, and that's the [00:41:00] part that's so hard, right?
Absolutely, absolutely. Um, because again, you do keep continue to take on and you continue to manage what you have done so far because you by the end of the day did get by and everything was done. But you just have to come to that decision point, uh, and maybe a breaking point that it's no longer feasible. And you do need to make that decision.
For anyone listening, full permission for it not to be a breaking point. You can also just make that decision before the fact.
Csilla, thank you so much for sharing a little bit about your life, your work, your family, your struggles, your challenges, and what's working well for you.
And my last question to you, what are you most proud of in yourself, in the way that you've done things to this point?
Most proud of, one thing, now you're taking me back to that question. You know, I am proud of myself. Obviously, I do have, uh, beautiful children, um, a beautiful family. I do. I did manage living, uh, in multiple places and each of those have been a challenge and each of those, uh, learned, um, give me some learning points, um, of different cultures or different ways that people are living or how they are working.
So, I think for the most part that that's what I'm, uh, I'm very happy about myself is, uh, that I do see where my children are going. I do see that they will be successful, in their lives. Um, and then the experience that I have gained through the years, um, living in different countries just, just helped me tremendously and made me who I am today.
Maybe the pride is around the courage to have those adventures, to do things differently, [00:43:00] to live in different countries. Like what's the part that you want to own in that?
The courage, the bravery, you, you need to be brave enough to, to move across, um, the water or any, any other, uh, border to cross because we are so, Um, we so much liking to do our daily task or our daily life, right?
We, we do get comfortable with our daily lives and it's hard to make the change just because it's comfortable. I'm feeling good in my own situation and to make the change to certain, certain things, that's, that's not, um, easy. Um, so how I may change in my life or how I make change my, um, that's at work or the changes, uh, that perhaps I imply to, um, raising the children.
These are all, all changes that, that I have learned from and I grown, um, from. Yeah. So for me those were definitely [00:44:00] some of them.
The pride comes in around the bravery to maybe do things differently, to try it a different way, to experiment with living in a different culture, to experiment with doing family in a different way to your parents or the previous generation to experiment with stepping up, to experiment with boundaries, like all that requires courage.
Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.
Beautiful. Thank you for the time. It's been lovely to have you here.
Oh, I love having these conversations so, so much. Thank you for being here, for listening to the Work Family Me podcast. If you want to connect with me in real life, I would love that. You can find me on LinkedIn and I will put the link for my profile below so you can just click on that and connect with me.
See you out [00:45:00] there.
Thank you so much for tuning in to the Work Family Me podcast. Please 1) share it with a friend who might benefit and 2) give it a five-star review so that more humans can find it!